Surprizing honesty from an angry place

So I think that in my effort to be the worst blogger ever I am winning! And not in a creepy Charlie Sheen sort of way! I have not made the time to blog or do much of anything thing else really.

I am officially in a funk.

Meh.

I have fallen off the proverbial wagon and have to get my head straight so I can get my body straight.

One thing I have excelled at is massive water consumption. I have an awesome 20oz portable cup with lid & straw that I have permanently attached to me. WHOA! Looking it up (for the link) just gave me a happy-chair-dance moment. It is a 24oz tumbler!! I thought it was a 20oz cup! I have been getting 4 extra oz every time I fill up! YESSS! Now I HAZ A HAPPY!! WHAAAAT!?! :D

Ok, so yesterday I was already in a foul mood. I am feeling overwhelmed and under appreciated and in a really unhappy phase of school/work/weight loss, et al. I decided to post this pic of my self as inspiration. This photo is me at my most confident, most sexy, most beautiful, fairly fit (it was right before I joined the US Army) and it is just overall the most wonderful me. I love the way I am standing, the way I look (90s fashion aside), the sexy confidence I project (an ex was going to be at this formal & I wanted to show him what he was missing out on), and the curve of my waist-to-hip, the smoothness of my belly, all of it. I just LOVE this photo of me. It is how I can inspire myself to know that this is attainable. That underneath the excess I have now is this, this bone structure, this figure. THIS ME!

So, I am well aware of the risk of posting a photo of myself at a thinner, younger time. The comments were good and most people really liked the pic or offered words of encouragement. And then there was one, one that just made me say REALLY?!? A colleague in the Hist. Dept. took one look at my pic and looked me in the face and said "What happened?" I was so angry I wanted to tell him to get the fuck out of my office and die. BUT, when I opened my mouth an honest answer came out:

"Life happened, Dave. Life. Happened. I went from Army fit(ish) to no exercise, a 15-year sedentary lifestyle, and too much of everything in the non-healthy food choice department. That is what happened."

For a moment I felt completely raw, and open, and honest, and betrayed by myself. I thought I wanted to punch him in the nuts, even though I am not really a violent person, but his two-word question made me answer MYSELF honestly and I should be grateful to Dave for that, even though I certainly didn't feel it in the moment. And I didn't cry, so that was a big plus!

I felt wounded the rest of the afternoon and am so glad I made myself go to yoga. Yoga starting back up last night was truly what I needed to get my self back in line. It was stress-releasing, hard work, and completely cathartic. When we were getting ready for shavasana I told Jessica I was really hyper-stressed and was there a certain way I should do shavasana to help me out. She immediately said crocodile-pose "the world outside, Mylynka inside - and be sure to apply pressure to the space between your eyebrows." And when I pressed my forehead (third-eye)on my elbow I involuntarily began to cry. The release was amazing and I left yoga feeling better than I had all day. hell, better than I had felt in a week!!

When I checked my Facebook late last night my friend Karl had posted this as a comment to my photo and it just made my day.

Make it a great week and I hope to post more. I SAID "hope" - ha ha