Friday, December 28, 2012


After the grand purge that was last night's blog post I cried a while, chatted with a few friends on FB about my Dad, fought a RAGING sinus headache, cried some more, and then took the hottest shower possible at 1am.  After some decongestants I went to bed around 2am and really didn't sleep. My head was pounding, my left eye felt like it was about to shoot out of my face... No real sleep. 

Lupe left at about 6:30 and I got up for more decongestants and a pain killer (Advil) and finally slept. Til Noon! Man, I woke up feeling rested, but drained. You know that feeling after you have had a real crying jag...  so I took it easy today.  I took out the trash, drank some coffee, read a bit, and generally was mellow.  The weather was blah and it suited me fine to just stay in my jammies for a few hours.

Blogging last night was really a good move. Cathartic. Cleansing. Refreshing.

Today I got my dissertation introduction back from my committee chair. It was good. He had a lot of comments/suggestions and I feel like I have some direction.  Getting started is the HARDEST part. It truly is. i have a lot of work ahead of me, but I feel like a plan is in place now and I am not alone, not really.  I chose my advisor/chair well.  He is a good fit for not only my topic, but for the way I work.  He is very efficient and will keep me on track.

So that was good thing #1 today. 

#2 - I stuck with my decision to go to yoga even though I was not feeling it.  I HAD to go to Arlington to pick up our Urban Acres produce share (#3) by 5:30 and yoga began at 5:45pm.  No excuse not to go.

The produce is GORGEOUS! and I have to try making kale chips, daikon pickles, and kohlrabi slaw (kohl slaw) this week.

Urban Acres - half share - Back up off my Honeycrisps!
So yoga. This was a new class for me. I have not been to the Friday night Dharma Gentle.  So it was new. The instructor was new to me. I was ok going in. She was lovely, talked to me before class about my yoga level, any injuries, needs etc.  And I was glad to be able to say that I knew adaptive poses for the ones I cannot fully do yet. The class was challenging but good.  There were two distinct times I found myself thinking, "ugh, if my belly wasn't so big I could reach... If I wasn't so fat I could..."

BUT (and I am proud of this) I just pushed those thoughts away. I told myself I was just beginning. I told myself that it didn't matter that I was the fattest person in the room, can't do a plank, have to do an adaptive Cat-Cow, have to do a Wall Dog, and that I have to use a strap to hug my knees to my chest (well, as close to my chest as possible at this point).  I am just starting this journey and it is OK to do what I can do in the moment.  And you know what? It was. 

My upper back and my legs are hella sore! HA!  AND I LIKE IT!  I have a Hatha Gentle class at 10:30 tomorrow and I am really looking forward to it. :D

I came home, had some yummy Turkey Divan Noodle casserole and went to the bookstore with my love.  a good night, indeed!

Let's keep this path, shall we?

Tomorrow I have to pick up an order of stuff from Lane Bryant - I think I will peruse their exercise wear, I need warmer things for the studio. I have yoga at 10:30am and need a few groceries. 

I think I will weigh in the morning. No matter the number, it will be OK. It is only the starting point, after all.

Whoa, I still have a blog?

hi *sheepishly waves*

yea, hey, about this blog... uuuuhhhh... yea. I kinda ababdoned it and uh, forgot about it... and have no excuse really.

So, here we go again. Starting AGAIN. And like my friend Jen over at Pin Up in Stitches said to me once, "If you are tired of starting over, stop QUITTING!"


OK, I have to get my shit together! I have not weighed lately, but can tell that I have gained my weight back. I don't know if I have gained all that I lost, but I have gained enough back to notice. I tossed all my 24s because I am not going back there. I tossed my 22s because I am not going back there either... my 20s are comfortable and my 18s are not... I have moved in the wrong direction and I need to get going again.

It is not like I am even sitting around the house all day eating candy, chips, and ice cream. It is that I am back to bad, BAD, bad habits... like fast food, fried & cheesy laden items at restaurants, which are YUM, but not ALL THE TIME!  and I am not drinking enough water.

I am unhappy.

I am tired.

I am too fat for my cute workout clothes - because I. quit. working. out. 

so, here we are, I am 40 and 3/4 and no closer to being fit than when I started at age 37.  When will I finally say. THIS IS IT!  When will I find peace with myself and love to workout and eat healthy.  Y'all know I love food. And I love to cook. And I love to cook good food.  I was posting pics of at least 2 meals a day on FB... because they were my healthy, veggie laden yums, and HUJASS salads (to borrow from Wendy at I See Fit People.) I don't really post pics now... because i am ashamed of my meal choices.

Yes, I know I make them. I know. I am sad. I am lazy. And perhaps borderline depressed...  I am trying to tackle three HUGE, OVERWHELMING things all at once (out-of-control-bordering-on-hoarder-house (my secret shame), weight/health, dissertation).  I am trying to figure out how to accomplish all three things in small bites to make them doable.  Right now I look at my 3 big mountains and just walk away. And hide. On the internet. On Facebook. because it is fun and happy and instant pleasure/gratification.

I have a problem. A FB/Internet problem. We all know this.

ugh, I just had to get that out... a purge if you will.

I think that because today would have been my Dad's 63rd birthday I am all angsty and melancholy and blah about myself.  He was 43 when he died and the closer I get to there the more I realize that A) that is effing young and B) I want to go way past there and won't if I continue down this particular path.

Sorry to end on such a bummer. The blog won't all be HUGE downers, I promise. some will be fun.

OK, 2 positives about tomorrow:
  1. I pick up my produce share at 5-ish and there are new veggies to try - Kohlrabi & Daikon radishes.
  2. I have yoga tomorrow night at 5:45 and WILL go!
Thanks in advance for the love and support you guys continue to show me.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Poor Planning On Your, er, My Part....

... does not constitute an emergency on mine. Or does it?

It has come to my attention that I am not very good at getting things done if I do not have a plan.  Well, let me rephrase that: I am not in a hurry to get things done if there is not an immediate deadline.

Case in point - the dissertation. Ok, MY dissertation.  I have work to do. Scratch that. I have A LOT of work to do in order to write, essentially a book, have it pass my committee, and for me successfully defend it so that I may graduate with my Doctorate in Transatlantic History in May 2014.  Therein lies the problem... in May 2014.  It seems so far away that there doesn't seem to be any rush to get it going. In theory, I was going to spend this past summer writing 1-2 chapters... I said that in May. It is now August 20th and I have about 6 pages total written. The SAME 6 pages I wrote as part of a dissertation lab/workshop I attended.

I have been awfully depressed about it all summer, feeling inadequate, stupid, unable to believe that it was, in fact, possible that I could do this.  I would do nothing, then fret that I wasted a day, a week, a month.... See here how I got over that hump (it will also make the following more understandable).

I have implemented a schedule system suggested in the book I read and discussed in my earlier posts. This is my template for the fall semester. I have on it all kinds of stuff, teaching time, prep time, house cleaning, errands, exercise, meals, dissertation time, down time, and anything else I could think of that is a part of my week. My Saturdays are not empty, it is just that that is the day most plans seem to fall, so as my social calendar fills up, I will be able to fill a few hours of dissertation time in around it on Saturdays.

The plan is not rigid, in fact the only fixed items are my class times and my office hours, but what this does is give me much-needed structure.  I have it pretty tight until I get into a routine, then I will be able to reassess and see if I need more tightening or if I can loosen it up a bit.  We shall see. Like I mentioned, this is the template, or master schedule for the semester. The yellow is my morning time to drink coffee, cruise the internet, and to get ready for work. The blues are meals, the aqua social events. The lt. green is for house/errands. The Kermit the Frog green is exercise time (more specifically yoga, Pilates, and water fitness at the campus gym/pool) The white is driving time and the peachy color is scheduled down time/me time. I will fill in the lt. green, red, and lt. purple blocks with specifics each week - particular readings, housecleaning tasks, lecture preps.

How do you organize your time?  Are you able to work fairly well without a hard plan or do you need more structure? Let me know in the comments below (or on FB).