Whoa, I still have a blog?

hi *sheepishly waves*

yea, hey, about this blog... uuuuhhhh... yea. I kinda ababdoned it and uh, forgot about it... and have no excuse really.

So, here we go again. Starting AGAIN. And like my friend Jen over at Pin Up in Stitches said to me once, "If you are tired of starting over, stop QUITTING!"

I HAVE TO STOP QUITTING!


OK, I have to get my shit together! I have not weighed lately, but can tell that I have gained my weight back. I don't know if I have gained all that I lost, but I have gained enough back to notice. I tossed all my 24s because I am not going back there. I tossed my 22s because I am not going back there either... my 20s are comfortable and my 18s are not... I have moved in the wrong direction and I need to get going again.

It is not like I am even sitting around the house all day eating candy, chips, and ice cream. It is that I am back to bad, BAD, bad habits... like fast food, fried & cheesy laden items at restaurants, which are YUM, but not ALL THE TIME!  and I am not drinking enough water.

I am unhappy.

I am tired.

I am too fat for my cute workout clothes - because I. quit. working. out. 


so, here we are, I am 40 and 3/4 and no closer to being fit than when I started at age 37.  When will I finally say. THIS IS IT!  When will I find peace with myself and love to workout and eat healthy.  Y'all know I love food. And I love to cook. And I love to cook good food.  I was posting pics of at least 2 meals a day on FB... because they were my healthy, veggie laden yums, and HUJASS salads (to borrow from Wendy at I See Fit People.) I don't really post pics now... because i am ashamed of my meal choices.

Yes, I know I make them. I know. I am sad. I am lazy. And perhaps borderline depressed...  I am trying to tackle three HUGE, OVERWHELMING things all at once (out-of-control-bordering-on-hoarder-house (my secret shame), weight/health, dissertation).  I am trying to figure out how to accomplish all three things in small bites to make them doable.  Right now I look at my 3 big mountains and just walk away. And hide. On the internet. On Facebook. because it is fun and happy and instant pleasure/gratification.

I have a problem. A FB/Internet problem. We all know this.

ugh, I just had to get that out... a purge if you will.

I think that because today would have been my Dad's 63rd birthday I am all angsty and melancholy and blah about myself.  He was 43 when he died and the closer I get to there the more I realize that A) that is effing young and B) I want to go way past there and won't if I continue down this particular path.

Sorry to end on such a bummer. The blog won't all be HUGE downers, I promise. some will be fun.

OK, 2 positives about tomorrow:

1. I pick up my produce share at 5-ish and there are new veggies to try - Kohlrabi & Daikon radishes.
2. I have yoga tomorrow night at 5:45 and WILL go!

Thanks in advance for the love and support you guys continue to show me.