Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Surprizing honesty from an angry place

So I think that in my effort to be the worst blogger ever I am winning! And not in a creepy Charlie Sheen sort of way! I have not made the time to blog or do much of anything thing else really.

I am officially in a funk.


I have fallen off the proverbial wagon and have to get my head straight so I can get my body straight.

One thing I have excelled at is massive water consumption. I have an awesome 20oz portable cup with lid & straw that I have permanently attached to me. WHOA! Looking it up (for the link) just gave me a happy-chair-dance moment. It is a 24oz tumbler!! I thought it was a 20oz cup! I have been getting 4 extra oz every time I fill up! YESSS! Now I HAZ A HAPPY!! WHAAAAT!?! :D

Ok, so yesterday I was already in a foul mood. I am feeling overwhelmed and under appreciated and in a really unhappy phase of school/work/weight loss, et al. I decided to post this pic of my self as inspiration. This photo is me at my most confident, most sexy, most beautiful, fairly fit (it was right before I joined the US Army) and it is just overall the most wonderful me. I love the way I am standing, the way I look (90s fashion aside), the sexy confidence I project (an ex was going to be at this formal & I wanted to show him what he was missing out on), and the curve of my waist-to-hip, the smoothness of my belly, all of it. I just LOVE this photo of me. It is how I can inspire myself to know that this is attainable. That underneath the excess I have now is this, this bone structure, this figure. THIS ME!

So, I am well aware of the risk of posting a photo of myself at a thinner, younger time. The comments were good and most people really liked the pic or offered words of encouragement. And then there was one, one that just made me say REALLY?!? A colleague in the Hist. Dept. took one look at my pic and looked me in the face and said "What happened?" I was so angry I wanted to tell him to get the fuck out of my office and die. BUT, when I opened my mouth an honest answer came out:

"Life happened, Dave. Life. Happened. I went from Army fit(ish) to no exercise, a 15-year sedentary lifestyle, and too much of everything in the non-healthy food choice department. That is what happened."

For a moment I felt completely raw, and open, and honest, and betrayed by myself. I thought I wanted to punch him in the nuts, even though I am not really a violent person, but his two-word question made me answer MYSELF honestly and I should be grateful to Dave for that, even though I certainly didn't feel it in the moment. And I didn't cry, so that was a big plus!

I felt wounded the rest of the afternoon and am so glad I made myself go to yoga. Yoga starting back up last night was truly what I needed to get my self back in line. It was stress-releasing, hard work, and completely cathartic. When we were getting ready for shavasana I told Jessica I was really hyper-stressed and was there a certain way I should do shavasana to help me out. She immediately said crocodile-pose "the world outside, Mylynka inside - and be sure to apply pressure to the space between your eyebrows." And when I pressed my forehead (third-eye)on my elbow I involuntarily began to cry. The release was amazing and I left yoga feeling better than I had all day. hell, better than I had felt in a week!!

When I checked my Facebook late last night my friend Karl had posted this as a comment to my photo and it just made my day.

Make it a great week and I hope to post more. I SAID "hope" - ha ha


  1. (((HUGS))) I'm also one of the worst bloggers in the world. Can't keep a diary to save my life. And I know EXACTLY how you feel... It was like "Mylynka's writing about me? Weird!" Maybe I need that crocodile thing. :-)

    At any rate, you are a brave and beautiful girl and I am incredibly grateful that you felt like sharing it here.

  2. :) Crocodile pose is UBER easy! Lie face down rest your right hand on your left shoulder, your left hand on your right shoulder. Use your crossed arms as a forehead rest. Lie there about 15-20 mins just breathing. If you have a mental happy place go there, or perhaps follow a guided meditation you like, or just listen to your own breathing.

    I think I may be shavasana-ing this way for a little while.

  3. Congrats on not punching him in the nuts. The honest questions hurt. But, sometimes they help. I've had those same type of questions, and though they sting at the time, years later I still remember them. They serve as motivation and warnings.

    Today I started writing a book on weight loss. I'd been thinking about it for a while, but finally started typing it up today. I'd happily let you be a beta reader if you're interested.

  4. Chad, I'll gladly be a beta reader. Let me know.

  5. Hugs to you my friend. Love you!