The Heavy and Cathartic Posting - reader beware!

NOTE: Basically today's blog is a cathartic release. It was originally to be about getting back what you give and how if you only put in 10% you are probably only going to get 10% or less back in the form of results (which is how I am currently rolling), but it took its current shape organically and became a cathartic release blog. So just be forewarned that it is kinda personal and heavy at times (starting with #3), although there are some funny bits, too.
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Ok, so 10%... or Why You Can't Get Very Far on Good Intentions:

1. I am not making any progress (273.0 today) because, honestly, I am not making any effort. I am not going to make progress if I don't make any effort. I say this because I know this. I know this because I practice this. I practice this because when it comes right down to it I am lazy. Don't worry, this is not a "poor Mylynka" or a "bash Mylynka" post. This is a whoa... "this is who I am and I gotta change this" post. I have this idea that the good intentions are just going to carry me through. Of course, that is not realistic. But I have intentions and that is good!
   
2. My life is not a movie. I would love for all of my exercise, healthy eating, weight loss, and healthy living to flash by in an awesome movie montage set to motivational she-can-do-it music (hey, even Rocky had a montage!!). At the end there is me, my shiny hair blowing in the wind, in my smaller-size workout clothes, fist-pumping the air on a sunny All-American day! Wooo! Then I can live that better, healthier life I crave. The positive from this is that at least I can envision me in that healthier place (goofy movies aside) and can use that as a goal. YAY!
   
3. I have realized that I am a HUGE time waster. I waste MASSIVE quantities of time and still manage to give the impression that I am SO busy and SO productive. I have started to feel guilty when people I know and adore (who lead very full, very busy lives, waaay busier than mine with jobs, kids, spouses, dissertations they are writing) comment on the fact that they have no idea how I get everything done. The truth is, I DON'T. I don't get everything done. I am overwhelmed by the amount of housework that needs to be done, the school work I have let lapse, and that the body care I intended to begin a month ago has been left by the wayside. Instead I have buried my head in the sand (Facebook/Twitter/the internet) and have let the summer fritter away. And why do I do this???
4. I AM AFRAID TO SUCCEED! There it is out. I said it. You know my deepest, darkest, fear. On the outside I project confidence, on the inside not-so-much. I think that I am afraid to succeed because I am afraid to fail. I can pin-point the naissance of this to my sophomore year at Ramstein High School. I had been placed in the Advanced English class with the "smart kids." I was terrified, was I a "smart kid"? I didn't think so at the time. We were given our first assignment - Write a composition. ( I forget on what.). I PANICKED! Composition! I don't even know what that is!! I can't do that! I am not smart enough to do that! (Ridiculous now, I know!) So I ran to the counselors office and got placed in a "regular" English class that was boring, non-challenging, and an easy A. I always regretted that decision. I feel this way a lot. Like I can't do great because then people will expect me to do great and will find out I am a huge flaming fraud. I am terrified of taking my doctoral exams because I am afraid I will fail them, that everyone will know that I am not as knowledgeable about History as I should be at this level. Oh dear.... I am all panicky just thinking about it. (Or maybe it is the 3rd cup of coffee making me jittery. Naaah!)
   
5. So, what to do about this??
   

As a first step I started the Inner Mean Girl 40 Day Cleanse this week. It is a self-improvement workshop for women that is taught by Amy Ahlers and Christine Arylo and hosted by Stacy of The Mom Renewal Project. The purpose of the workshop is to encourage women to rid themselves of six toxic behaviors and replace them with habits that encourage self~love and respect. (footnote - I took this description from Dani's blog.) I think this is just the jump start/re-start I need to get back in my Fit-by-40 game plan AND a great program to get rid of my Inner Mean Girl (who needs a name, by the way) and stop letting her dictate a lot of my thoughts/behaviors and let me live a happy, healthy, full life. She is a fearmonger who needs to be stopped!


As a second step I just blogged about it. Put all my fears out on the 'net. Let it be known. It feels a little terrifying and a little freeing all at once.

Ok, so off the couch and on to unload the dishwasher, then reload it, do some laundry, sweep & mop, vacuum, and change the cats' box. We'll see what happens after that!

PS I may be feeling more awkward than usual today and inclined to purge myself until I am emotionally raw because Aug. 27th usually gets me down. It is the day my father died in 1993. It seems harder this year, probably because of our recent wedding. erg.

YIKES!

This is a must read from the Wall Street Journal on belly circumference and health!

First official funk

Today's weigh-in: 271.8 I am not going to complain about a 0.4lb gain. I didn't lose, but I am not upset about going up a little under 1/2 a pound either - probably bloat from yesterday's pizza. This weekend was pretty stressful so I am not gonna candy coat it - I ate like total crap on Monday and am not working out at all. I am in my first official funk of this endeavor.

Maybe the opening up to "everyone" was a trigger, maybe it was my stressful weekend, maybe it is just something in the alignment of the planets and my chakras, but yesterday and today were giant suck bombs! I mean no sleep the night before, sit in your jammies, don't shower, do absolutely NOTHING, and eat a Big Mac & fries (& later cheesy bread) as your meals, sit in front of the computer all day, wish you had ice cream and then beat yourself up for being a big, fat, lazy, fat-ass blob kind of day.

WOW! That felt great...

Ok, seriously that word-vomit tirade felt good, freeing... better. I am having insomnia again and my mind is overwrought with too many stressors (which is why I am currently sipping a double-strength cup of Yogi Kava Stress Relief Tea) so here I am at nearly 1am.

I have some things to deal with, to get situated, and it just seems like I have a lot of pressure on me right now, but I think it is all probably self-induced. This is perhaps my cue to begin exercising. Yea, I said begin. I have not tackled that yet. I think I could handle my pent-up stress, or at least have a place to let some of it out, if I would do some form of exercise. I know I would feel better and would probably sleep better, too.

The time to exercise is coming. I have felt the desire building for a week or so. My body wants to exercise. I am getting restless. I am remembering how good it felt when I exercised regularly, how it made me feel about myself, and how it made me want to do it more. I think the breakthrough is near. I have been visualizing lacing up my shoes and walking around the block, slipping into my swimsuit (without judging myself) and feeling the cool water as I first dive into the pool, feeling that wired-tired that comes after a workout. I am getting kind of excited about it.

Look out... there may be a "My First Workout" post on the horizon!!! :D And Hey! I think I just flipped my funk!!

Opening up to "everyone"

I decided to go ahead and open this blog up to the world, and by world I mean Facebook. Posting here in the safe realm of just a few people who I know will be supportive has given me the confidence to go ahead and "go public." So, if you are new to this blog welcome. If you have already been here, thanks! (and I know you will have my back if someone is being unnecessarily mean!)

Why am I so nervous??

Just a link to make you think!

The article HERE gave me some serious food for thought. It asks you the 5 Ws of Weight Loss and really sets "ze little grey cells" a-spinnin'.

Let me know what you think!

Happy Thursday!

Wednesday already? I need some time management!

Where does the time go? It is already August 4th! ACK! It is already Wednesday this week... What happened to my Monday & Tuesday? Time is flying by and I have nothing to show for it. I really need to get myself on a set schedule.

So when do you guys work out? Mornings before work? In the afternoons when you get home? On your lunch hour? Before bed? I am trying to figure out a "perfect" time and don't know when that is. It should be easy for me as my time is very unstructured right now - the pitfall of being at this point in my academic career... no scheduled anything! I am on my own to finish up some loose-ends (papers) and to study for my comprehensive exams. I need to make and adhere to a schedule of some sort every day or else I will never finish anything... getting fit included.

SO, a few things I could use some comments on:

1. Workout times - what works for you and why?
2. Time management advice - what works for you and why?
3. How do you make yourself stick to your plans for #1 & #2 above?

Oh and on the friendly advice of a reader (thanks E.) I am going to schedule an appt. with a Dr. and get a physical & medical greeenlight before getting too much further in this fitness quest. It really is a good idea, I mean you generally get the car looked at before a long road trip, right? Besides, there may be some other things that I need to address that I don't know about. I'll keep ya posted!

Showing some sort of self-restraint

So, some friends of mine are going through a really tough time. They have had a pretty shitty year with deaths in each of their families, other craziness and now they are having to close their business. I love them both dearly, they are both such good and kind people and a lot of fun to boot. It just kills me that everything is super sucky for them and there is not much I can do except be there for them as a good friend.

I want to go into the kitchen and eat brownies and ice cream. But, I am proud to say that all I have done is acknowledge that desire, not give in to it. Instead, I took some vitamins, drank some lemonade and am going to channel my pent-up energy, frustration, anger, etc., into cleaning my home office. It needs it BADLY!

This still sucks though.