The Heavy and Cathartic Posting - reader beware!

NOTE: Basically today's blog is a cathartic release. It was originally to be about getting back what you give and how if you only put in 10% you are probably only going to get 10% or less back in the form of results (which is how I am currently rolling), but it took its current shape organically and became a cathartic release blog. So just be forewarned that it is kinda personal and heavy at times (starting with #3), although there are some funny bits, too.
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Ok, so 10%... or Why You Can't Get Very Far on Good Intentions:

1. I am not making any progress (273.0 today) because, honestly, I am not making any effort. I am not going to make progress if I don't make any effort. I say this because I know this. I know this because I practice this. I practice this because when it comes right down to it I am lazy. Don't worry, this is not a "poor Mylynka" or a "bash Mylynka" post. This is a whoa... "this is who I am and I gotta change this" post. I have this idea that the good intentions are just going to carry me through. Of course, that is not realistic. But I have intentions and that is good!
   
2. My life is not a movie. I would love for all of my exercise, healthy eating, weight loss, and healthy living to flash by in an awesome movie montage set to motivational she-can-do-it music (hey, even Rocky had a montage!!). At the end there is me, my shiny hair blowing in the wind, in my smaller-size workout clothes, fist-pumping the air on a sunny All-American day! Wooo! Then I can live that better, healthier life I crave. The positive from this is that at least I can envision me in that healthier place (goofy movies aside) and can use that as a goal. YAY!
   
3. I have realized that I am a HUGE time waster. I waste MASSIVE quantities of time and still manage to give the impression that I am SO busy and SO productive. I have started to feel guilty when people I know and adore (who lead very full, very busy lives, waaay busier than mine with jobs, kids, spouses, dissertations they are writing) comment on the fact that they have no idea how I get everything done. The truth is, I DON'T. I don't get everything done. I am overwhelmed by the amount of housework that needs to be done, the school work I have let lapse, and that the body care I intended to begin a month ago has been left by the wayside. Instead I have buried my head in the sand (Facebook/Twitter/the internet) and have let the summer fritter away. And why do I do this???
4. I AM AFRAID TO SUCCEED! There it is out. I said it. You know my deepest, darkest, fear. On the outside I project confidence, on the inside not-so-much. I think that I am afraid to succeed because I am afraid to fail. I can pin-point the naissance of this to my sophomore year at Ramstein High School. I had been placed in the Advanced English class with the "smart kids." I was terrified, was I a "smart kid"? I didn't think so at the time. We were given our first assignment - Write a composition. ( I forget on what.). I PANICKED! Composition! I don't even know what that is!! I can't do that! I am not smart enough to do that! (Ridiculous now, I know!) So I ran to the counselors office and got placed in a "regular" English class that was boring, non-challenging, and an easy A. I always regretted that decision. I feel this way a lot. Like I can't do great because then people will expect me to do great and will find out I am a huge flaming fraud. I am terrified of taking my doctoral exams because I am afraid I will fail them, that everyone will know that I am not as knowledgeable about History as I should be at this level. Oh dear.... I am all panicky just thinking about it. (Or maybe it is the 3rd cup of coffee making me jittery. Naaah!)
   
5. So, what to do about this??
   

As a first step I started the Inner Mean Girl 40 Day Cleanse this week. It is a self-improvement workshop for women that is taught by Amy Ahlers and Christine Arylo and hosted by Stacy of The Mom Renewal Project. The purpose of the workshop is to encourage women to rid themselves of six toxic behaviors and replace them with habits that encourage self~love and respect. (footnote - I took this description from Dani's blog.) I think this is just the jump start/re-start I need to get back in my Fit-by-40 game plan AND a great program to get rid of my Inner Mean Girl (who needs a name, by the way) and stop letting her dictate a lot of my thoughts/behaviors and let me live a happy, healthy, full life. She is a fearmonger who needs to be stopped!


As a second step I just blogged about it. Put all my fears out on the 'net. Let it be known. It feels a little terrifying and a little freeing all at once.

Ok, so off the couch and on to unload the dishwasher, then reload it, do some laundry, sweep & mop, vacuum, and change the cats' box. We'll see what happens after that!

PS I may be feeling more awkward than usual today and inclined to purge myself until I am emotionally raw because Aug. 27th usually gets me down. It is the day my father died in 1993. It seems harder this year, probably because of our recent wedding. erg.