Thursday, September 2, 2010

InnerMeanGirl you don't win - NOT TODAY!

So some of you know that I am doing the 40 day Inner Mean Girl Cleanse, well this week's challenge is to give up Comparison. You know, comparing yourself to others, comparing yourself to your old self, etc. Last week's challenge of giving up gossip was a piece of cake compared to this one. My IMG is the QUEEN of Comparison. Oh man is she good. I can remember from way back that she would rear her head to point out that I was the only redhead in class, then as I got older she would look around the room and point out that I was the fattest one in the class etc. It is something that has been a constant and I never realized how powerful she was.

Well today, today was the mother-load! The day started off with no sleep (Lupe wasn't feeling well and we were both up most of the night) and then our power was out. No power meant no coffee, no internet, no A/C. No doing the things I wanted to get done today. So after a time we packed up the laptops, pumped Lupe full of decongestants & allergy meds and headed to the Coffee Haus for food, coffee, and the internet. Caffeination and feeding accomplished we headed home to see if we had power... we did not.

I decided that the Universe was forcing me to go to the campus and get to the Water Fitness class I have been putting off. My honey, feeling a lot better for having rested & medicated, went with for moral support and got a spousal membership, too. He wandered off across campus to get his gym ID and I went to the pool.


Who was at the pool? Like 100 Army ROTC kids all doing some sort of water survival PT... DOUBLE WHAMMY! Here. At. The. Pool. 100 young & fit people. Inner Mean Comparison Queen was having a grand ol' time. Not only was I bemoaning (in my head) the fact that 100 fit people were at the pool and I was supposed to go put on my skirted (ugh), size 3x (triple ugh) suit, BUT I had been in the Army! I was a young, fit, Army of One at one point in my life and look at me now. FAT! FAT! FAT! It was all too much to bear. I left the pool almost hyperventilating. I went outside, I had 30 mins before my class... I could figure something out. No phone, as I had left it in the car to charge, so no distraction... hmmm what to do. I watched the Army kids come in & out of the building, Sr. ones barking at the Jr. ones, two guys on hallway mop duty hollering at the others to "stay on the carpeting!" and the random "HUA!" as people did well.

I had to face my fears. I had to go in. I had 15 minutes to get in my suit and get to the pool. Straggler female cadets were changing while one yelled at them to MOVE IT! I circled around the changing cubicles the anxiety building up in my chest until I thought I might pass out. I finally went into one at the very back, facing the back wall and sat my bag down. I pulled the little plastic curtain closed and faced the wall. And I cried. I SOBBED. I put my arm out onto the wall for support and cried silently in that busy changing room. I was so upset at everything. How had I come to this point? I weigh 275 pounds & now I have to stuff my fat ass into a skirted, fat lady swimsuit and waddle down the hall full of fit Army cadets to the pool. How am I going to survive??

And then it happened. My inner whoever said, "Suck it up Kilgore! Shut the FUCK up with all this goddamned whining and crying and get your ass in that swimsuit. You can cry in this stall for an hour or you can put on that suit, walk down that hall, and go to that class. You make the decision RIGHT NOW to do something about your situation or you never will!" And that was it. I took off my t-shirt, I wiped my face off and I put on my swimsuit, and the cute matching flip-flops. I grabbed my cute matching towel, threw on my cover-up, grabbed my bag of clothes, took a REALLY DEEP BREATH and went to the pool. And you know what?


No one looked at me funny in the hall, no one made a comment, no one gave me a second look. NO ONE CARED! HA! There were no hot babes in the class to compare myself to... double HA! There was 1 old guy, 1 older lady, and the big-boned instructor! That was it! And they were so welcoming and the gals loved my suit and that my toe polish matched. We hopped in the pool and 50 minutes flew by! We ran, we jumped, we did arms and legs and abs, we did push-ups, we did stretching and I had so much fun and I couldn't believe I was so worried about it! Maybe it was the exercise endorphins, maybe it was kicking my Inner Mean Girl square in the taco, or maybe it was finally owning who I am, but I walked from the pool building back to the gym to meet Lupe in my swimsuit & cover-up and I didn't care who saw me. I actually ran into someone I know and wasn't even mortified.

I WAS TRIUMPHANT! And I am so ready for Tuesday's class! I think I will WiiFit tomorrow because I can't wait to work out! I want to exercise! I want to make a healthy change! I want to live my life! YAY!

Now, I am going to bed because I am TIE-ERD! :D


  1. "Suck it up Kilgore!" Love it.

    Keep it up, cuz!

  2. Yay for putting aside your Inner Mean Girl and hopping in that pool. You rock, Mylynka!

  3. Yea, I really enjoyed the class. It was awesome!

  4. Soooooooo proud of you!! I know how damn hard it is...I've lost 28 lbs on Weight Watchers...have about 65lbs to go, but I already feel SO much better. WE can do this!!!!! xoxo

  5. Hi, Mylynka!

    Thank you so much for sharing this heartfelt episode...I've been thinking about this days after I read it and I've been meaning to come back here, read it again, and leave a comment. You described a scene that SO many of us females, I think, can relate to. It totally moved me to tears! That moment of despair, of total breakdown and tears, whether in a locker room or our own house as we tear through the closet and nothing fits anymore... I think we've all been there but not everyone is brave enough to share that with the world. I totally applaud you for kicking the mean girl in the butt and pushing past that moment!!! I wish I could've hugged you!!!

  6. Thanks! I'll consider myself Hurricane hugged! :D That moment has done a lot for me (I will be blogging about that in a sec.) and I am glad I had the inner wisdom to break through and let my inner She-Ra (or whoever) take charge and get me over the Hump of Despair, into the swimsuit and out to the pool.

    I am glad I am sharing this stuff. It helps me to get it out of my system and it is really nice to have an on-line support group. I also receive private messages from people telling me they feel the same way about some things and are glad they are not the only ones. So it is win-win. HOORAY INTERNETS! :D

  7. i am SO proud of you. funny, but i think maybe it was your inner army babe who was yelling at you, having been roused from sleep by the other army babes careening around. you listen to HER, not that other one. HUA yourself, mama!

  8. Inner Army Babe, I like it! I think she is called Kilgore, the core me. I like her because she loves me - a lot!