Thank you Universe!!

I weighed myself today... 271.4. WHAT?!? Sweet! Now, I know not to get too excited, it is probably water loss, or post-menstrual debloat, or whatever, but... it is NOT 275, so that makes me happy. And it is nice to see a wee bit of progress. It is like the universe says, "I see you are interested in making an actual, healthy effort this time Mylynka. I grant you a 3.6lb loss."

Thank you Universe!! I will accept the gift graciously and not waste it! Besides 2lb per week is generally accepted as a healthy/safe amount to lose and makes it easier to keep off, is it not? So, I started this journey 10days ago, so I am on track. YAY ME!

Ok, some random things:

• I bought a towel & flip-flops to coordinate with my swimsuit. I haven't ever really done that before, but thought that it may motivate me more and make me feel better about going to the pool for lap swims and the water aerobics classes in the Fall. I found myself kind of apologizing to the sales lady in Vera Bradley because I thought it so silly to coordinate towel & shoes to my aqua swimsuit. She (an older lady) said, "Dear, there is nothing strange about that. It is like when you decide to start walking on a treadmill and go buy brand new tennies before you start. Whatever it takes to get you going, right?" And I thought, yea... whatever it takes, I like that attitude. Here are my new swimsuit accessories, they were even on sale - DOUBLE WIN!
  
  
  

• I need a designated water cup. Several years ago, I read that you will drink more water if you have a designated water glass. It can be as plain or as fun & funky as you desire. Maybe it is Waterford crystal, maybe it is a gimme cup from your local sports team, but it is your designated water cup. As silly as it seems, it worked. I got a cool glass goblet from Pier One. It was clear with multi-jewel toned and gold, raised glass nubs in a diamond pattern on it and a blue stem. It was unlike anything else in my cabinet and it WORKED. I drank a lot of water out of that thing. I don't have any idea what happened to that goblet, but I need a new water goblet for sure! I will find something awesome and when I do I will post a pic of it and I will drink lots of water out of it.
  

Eating patterns & other observations

Hello Monday thanks for being here to let me start anew!

This weekend was ERG! for a number of reasons and I let it be an excuse to eat a half a bowl of queso compuesto with chips & tortillas from Chuy's for lunch and half an order of cheese sticks for dinner on Saturday as a way to soothe my soul/anger/PMS/I'll-do-what-the-hell-I-want-screw-you attitude. I know eating to soothe emotion is no bueno, but is probably something I have done my entire life and am just now learning to try and stop and assess the situation before proceeding with the feeding. These are some things I have been noticing over the past few months leading up to my realization that I need to regain control of my life:

1. I eat mindlessly - if I have a bag of chips I will just eat & eat them, but if I have them in a bowl I stop when the bowl is empty. OR for example, just the other day, at Lupe's office, I took one of each of the varieties of mini candy bars (snickers, kitkat, twix, rolo, midnight mars bar, and 3 musketeers) in the front desk candy bowl and ate them all in a matter of minutes when I really didn't want them, I was just bored waiting for Lupe to get off from work. This relates to observation #2.
   
2. If it is there I want to eat it & I want to eat it all - chips, cookies, candy, et cetera. If it is around I want to eat it all, all of it until it is all gone. Cookies for breakfast w/my coffee. Maybe 3 more with an afternoon cup. 3 more after dinner.... So I have to NOT buy such things. I remember getting a coffee mug full of mini candy bars (those damn Snickers again) as a Christmas gift from a coworker several years back. Every day that mug tormented me. I wanted that candy so badly, but had said I would only eat 1 piece a day. Of course, I ate the contents of the mug in one afternoon... and felt a mixture of guilt and relief about it. Guilty that I had eaten probably 15 pieces of candy in one sitting, yet relief that it was no longer there preoccupying my mind! Sad, but true.
3. I have a tendency to "wolf" my food down - I used to blame the Army for that, having to race through chow to get back to whatever we were supposed to do next. I realize that that is a convenient excuse, but I really wasn't in the Army long enough to develop that kind of long-term habit. I have noticed over the last few months that when I eat, I eat 3 fries at a time, or a pile of chips at once, or I eat my piece of toast/slice of pizza in 3-4 bites, stuffing it all in so I can have more. I act like I won't get to have more, or that someone is about to take it away... I cannot explain this, but I am sure it relates to the 2 things above. I have been more conscious about how people around me are eating and compare it to what I am doing. It is interesting.
4. Places I have been frequenting (to eat) are full of obese people - yea, I really noticed this the week after the wedding when Lupe & I went out to Fossil Rim Wildlife Preserve. We stopped in a small town at the Dairy Queen for burgers & ice cream and I was looking around while we were waiting for our food. Everyone in there (with the exception of 2 of the teen employees) were obese. I am not talking a little fat, I mean HUGE. Embarrassingly huge. Had a 100lb on me at least. Even the children were big. It was sad. I registered that as I ate my Peanut Buster Parfait and filed it away for later. But then I started noticing it more and more in the places I go... with the exception of the Thai place, the Indian place, and the Lebanese place... hmmm... notice an ethnic pattern?
5. I am lazy - I opt for the quick fix every time. Today I am at home with a fridge full of fruit & veg. I was hungry and just ate a bowl of cottage cheese and some cheddar popcorn, because it was easy. :(

ok, that is enough for today.

What I really look like...

I think we all have an image of ourselves in our mind's eye. We have an idea of how we look to others. I have always felt that I look fine. I think, "cute top, fun shoes, funky jewelry, pretty hair...," or whatever when I am getting ready to go out and then I head out the door. I never give much thought to how big I am. I think that because my friends and family love me they don't see the fat they just see me, if that makes sense. I mean, obviously they see that I am fat, but it isn't what defines me or my relationships. But, I am becoming more and more aware that I am the only really fat person in the group (unless I am at my aunt & uncle's house) and I don't like it. I don't REALLY feel that I stand out that much from the others until I see photos from a get-together.

This is from last night. Now, I know that it is not a flattering angle etc., but still....


Images such as this just really make me realize that I need to see the REAL me and do something about it. I don't want to literally take up 1/3 of a couch anymore.

My own personal HELL.

Lupe's brother is coming to town this weekend and bringing home a new girlfriend and her 6 yr old daughter. They want to go to Hurricane Harbor (the Six Flags water park in Arlington) on Saturday...UGH! I have been agonizing about going for 2 reasons: 1) I am very, very fair. HELLO! Red hair. Freckles. I will fry in minutes, even with my SPF 50! and 2) BATHING SUIT IN PUBLIC!!

Now, I have a new bathing suit that I had to purchase in Toledo because we were supposed to go to the yacht club to swim. So I was doubly tortured by a) having to go to Wal-Mart, and b) try on & purchase a swimsuit!!

Swimsuits.

Wal-Mart.

It was my own personal HELL!

And swimming at the yacht club... yea, that NEVER happened.

So, I have a god-awful swimsuit. It probably isn't that bad, but let me just tell you, swimsuits for the plus-sized are well.... terrible to begin with, then you add the quality of Wal-Mart, well you see where I am going with this. Most plus-size suits of decent quality that I had looked at previously run in $100-$150 range. My Wal-Mart suit was one of the most expensive on the rack... a whopping $32.... and it has a skirt.

A skirt.

On my swimsuit.

This is how I knew it was time to make a change. I have become so fat that my swimsuits have skirts...

So me, my skirted suit, and my gallon jug of SPF 50 will be sitting under some sort of awning/covered picnic table on Sat. Of course, I can take comfort (?) in knowing that the obesity rate in the United States is so horribly high that I will not be the only size 24 in a bathing suit there.

Feeling the love & Lazy trumps everything

You guys (who responded on FB) brought me to tears, the good kind. It is nice to have such great support. Please do feel free to comment here.

Ok, so yesterday I made my mind up to make changes, and as Dani pointed out in her comment to my first post, I need to make small ones. I used to be the type of person who tried to make all the changes at once (I am gonna take diet pills, drink 88oz of water, exercise 2hrs a day, only eat baked chicken breast and veggies.... ugh!) and that is one of the reasons I have continuously failed. My biggest problem with myself is that I know what I need to do to be healthy, I just don't do it. That is because LAZY TRUMPS EVERYTHING! Lazy is easy.

So here is a list of things that I should do (and WILL do in the coming weeks/months/years) - in no particular order:

1. Drink more water - I like drinking water so this is really no problem, I just have to DO it.
2. Exercise regularly - I have a habit of exercising for about 2 weeks then quitting; I don't know why I quit.
3. Get 8 hours of sleep - I am a night owl. This is about to change when Lupe's work schedule shifts to 6:30am - 3:30pm.
   
4. Stop eating late at night - this should easily rectify itself for the same reasons as above.
5. Eat 5+ servings of fruits/veggies a day - I love fresh food, good food, even raw food. I am not that picky of an eater. I am just lazy and convenience foods are made for the lazy.
6. This is a hard one - Spend less time in front of the computer/TV - I have to make a REALLY conscious effort here. I love socializing and the 'net has made it SO easy to while away a few hours chatting to various friends scattered about the globe. I don't watch a lot of TV, don't even have cable... so this is really about the time I spend online. There, I said it.
   

Each of these things should be easy to integrate into my daily living. It looks easy enough here in blog posting land, but I know that it isn't as easy as it looks at first. Yesterday I did stock up on lots of fresh fruit and veggies and have a menu for the week all set up in my head. So, I am off to a good start. Now, about getting away from the computer...

Today = 275.0

Hello & Welcome to my little corner of the net. Oh sure, I am on Facebook and I g-mail chat and stuff, but this is a place for me to vent, document, and do whatever I want. What I want is have a place, for now, to talk about my desire to be fit by the time I am 40 (in 1.75 years). I have been steadily gaining weight (and yo-yoing it off & back on) ever since the Army, um, let me go for failing 2 PT tests in a row in 1993. What can I say, I have never been a runner. I aced the sit-ups & push-ups... was "an excellent soldier and Russian Linguist," but apparently not quite finishing the 2mi run on time is no good for defending one's nation... but that is another blog totally.

Today, the day that I knew was coming finally came. I weigh 275lb! I knew I was getting close as I have been hovering at 268-270lb for months, but today the number was there - 275.0 - on the home digital scale. It is time to do something. I am a mere 25lb from 300 and that is NO GOOD!

I have been mulling this over for a few weeks, noticing things, getting irritated, wanting to make a change for the better (all of which I will address in future blogs). Today that day happened. Today I start fresh. I accepted that 275lb for what it is and made the choice to move on. So this is my space to talk about it, to make peace with being morbidly obese, and to document my progress as I change my life, my health, my eating habits, exercise plan, and my future.

Won't you join me?